New year new things

In 2012 I will bet on my self I will make things happen for me. This is my resolution to my self .

First thing - I will get a new and better job for me this year and make enough money to make at least one of my dreams come true.

Second thing - I will find the girl of my dreams this year I am tried of being alone and not being able to have someone there.

Third thing - start doing stuff for me this year. Start making me happy. Its been to lone since I was truly happy. My darkness has talk to me for way to long and my depression just keep getting worse and worse and it won't leave me alone. So this year I am going to make me happy.

Forth thing- get rid of some people and habits in my life that I don't want back at all . Some people thinks its funny but it's not I made a deal with me and my fallen brother that I wouldn't be doing any of that stuff ever again. It makes me a horrible person and I don't want to become like that again.

So those are my resolutions for this year and I aim to keep them hopefully. And maybe lose some more weight maybe get down to 200 or 190 maybe.

A girl from far away

So I have been getting this email from this girl. I don't know how it really came about but we been sending emails back and forth and stuff . But I have a problem I don't know if she is real or fake I have seen pictures of her and she is gorgeous and I mean beautiful.. Well I think she is beautiful and she has answered some of questions not all of them which makes me a little more uneasy. So now she says she is going to come and visit me here which freaks me out just a little more. The problem I guess is I have a real hard time trusting anybody as is and that. Of against anybody it's just the has tough me to always watch your back no matter what. There are only a hand few of people I trust in my life 100% and I guess if your reading this your one of them lol or your to far away to beat me with some thing haha.

Back on point so I don't know if I should even believe any of this crap that she has told me. Other thing is why is she interested in me?But that what I say with any chick why me and what is your angle? Is this bad i don't know but that what I know from other relationship. If a chick date me for the most I know they must have angle their running away from some asshole that hit them so they find me because I look mean and they know I don't stand for that shit or I have money and they want it or they want me to fill a void in there life at that moment and then throw me away I don't know what it is. But that is what I know about relationships.

I hope she is real and really real about what she says. Maybe she is my prayer answered but I doubt it. I really do I swear if she is real but only wants my liver she has another thing coming lol lol.. If this ends being false as suspect and some body just wants fuck with me I am going back the old me because I am done with play by the rules. Playing the rule you only get hurt swear.

Were to go from here

I am 27 soon to be 28 I feel like I have not done what I set out to do and ever time I try I get a big huge road block in my way. I feel like I have been "ADJUSTED " each and every time which really sucks . To start with I had a great great job it was so great I even called it my surger daddy job it was that good. So that's was going good and everything the boss was talking about bumping up my pay and moving me some were else so needless to say my life was going good. So next good thing my settlement check for me surgery came in I was 6k up in life just I was so happy YES! 6k not alot of people see that all at once. Third best thing I got appoved for my motorcycle of my dreams it was awesome it was freakin beautiful it was so soo sexy it was more sexy then playmate it was a deffinent a OMG moment. And I got approve for this thing I was so happy nothing could go wrong in my life at that time. And then a stupid fucking. Cunt bitch wasn't watching the road or something and hit me going 60 mph and took all that awesomeness away from me. Took it all every fucking second of it. If I sound a little bitter about it I am . Oh and she took my good new car as well bitch!. So here I sit still kinda injured no money no car no bike no girl no nothing for my self. Am so mad but at the same time not really because if it was an adjustment then hopefully it was for the best. May the girl of my dreams come in the door or comes up to me and says some thing very cliche or something .

Death to me

I don't know how to really say what is really on my mind all I know is I hurt in side like no other. I feel is if death is a dog that is sitting at the edge of my bed waiting for me to give up the one thing that I can call mine. I don't know fear him at all he has been with me since birth he tried to take me in the begging and he failed. So now he sit and waits and begs me to give up. But I don't ever give up so it is his lost he will have to wait his turn. Is it weird that I think of my death and how I will die ? I see my self always being shot by a cop. Getting pull out of a car and told to stand up and turn around and as I do I sneezed and put my hands down over my face and then the cop fires . They say when you fire a gun in fear you never fire just one bullet. So now I see my self laying on the ground and bleeding from 4 different places. The get me to the hospital and they start trying to fix me and they do but now they say I am in a coma and it's a 50/50 chances that I'll wake up.. All I think throw all of this is who would show up.. Who would show up for me . Would anybody !?

I miss u

As I sit here tap my gun to my head knowing what you said would be last I would ever hear from you. As i remember everything about you from that night . It was last time we would ever kiss. It was cold that night so I gave you my hoodie told u to keep warm and you smiled and said you will. As I sit here knowing the god has a perfect angel and knowing that you could be in better hands. But still think I had something to do with what happened that night. Maybe they were meant for me they should of be for me I was the Bastard who did everything wrong. I still don't know why but I miss you so much. Your sweet smell every morning as you walk past my window to knock on my door I alway look like I was sleeping but I was already awake just waiting for you to say my name. I still have the ring I gave you and still trying to keep that promise of becoming a better person. I have it with me always. You will always be mine and I know your resting in peace. Because you were always peaceful and so soft. I miss you so so much

Oct 27, 1998

Self confidence..

One thing I really hate is someone with no self confidence it drive me insane. Self confidence is built not given you have to feed and grow it in order to have some and what mean by feed it. Is that you have to push your self a little bit more every day and that's how you feed it. How you grow it is using it what is the point of having it if your always backing down from every thing. Get in ther and stand your ground it doesn't matter if its a small decision or a fight or just the fact you told the truth. It takes self confidence to change the world and to make it better and once you use it people will notice you in a hole new way and you will to. You won't be so scared, intimidated,worried about things it will be like a hole new day.

Now me on the other hand I think I have to much . I feed it so much now am not really scared of any thing or and body. Witch could be a bad thing as well .

Who am I

who am i any more? i don't even know any more it so hard to tell the difference any more am i the Ex gang banger or am i The good son or better yet the heartless asshole all i know is that the fog is getting really heavy and thick quick. I feel so lost any more like i am going in circles the only thing that is keeping me to the grounded is my dear friend. This women is amazing and smart she has so much on her plate and yet she can still deal with the day to day bullshit and still have enough time to listen to me. I kind look up to this woman as a super hero she might not be bullet proof but that one thing she will never have to be as long as i am her friend. So who am i ? i don't know that really but one thing i do know is i am loyal and funny and honest if you wont it that way. I am rare breed of friend were if i say i am going to do something you better dam well believe it that i am going to do it and better yet if i say you can call on me at any time. You better take that to the bank be cause i will be there at 3am if you need me. I am The Good Son were i have never brought anything to my family front door .That means i have never brought danger,trouble,worry or uncomfort to my family and know i have had that in my life all day every day. Next to God my family is the world to me No one and I mean NO will ever mess with my family. i know i am not perfect but when i walk thou my family door way my sheets are white i have a smile on my face and the day is sunny and that all my family ever needs to know!. And last but not least my Past the Ex Gang banger Who broke ever morale code family has ever taught to me. I am the man that has had to throw clothes way because they have had the purves nights work on them i am the man who has lost so many in the undeclared war including a lover. But one thing i do know is i miss it more then anything i miss the gladiator with in me. The man who did care about life or death. Some days i think it would be so good to go back to the old ways and then i stop and remember a promise that i made and i look around and know if i went back that i would lose everything including my hero.. so i guess this is my life now .