Death to me

I don't know how to really say what is really on my mind all I know is I hurt in side like no other. I feel is if death is a dog that is sitting at the edge of my bed waiting for me to give up the one thing that I can call mine. I don't know fear him at all he has been with me since birth he tried to take me in the begging and he failed. So now he sit and waits and begs me to give up. But I don't ever give up so it is his lost he will have to wait his turn. Is it weird that I think of my death and how I will die ? I see my self always being shot by a cop. Getting pull out of a car and told to stand up and turn around and as I do I sneezed and put my hands down over my face and then the cop fires . They say when you fire a gun in fear you never fire just one bullet. So now I see my self laying on the ground and bleeding from 4 different places. The get me to the hospital and they start trying to fix me and they do but now they say I am in a coma and it's a 50/50 chances that I'll wake up.. All I think throw all of this is who would show up.. Who would show up for me . Would anybody !?

I miss u

As I sit here tap my gun to my head knowing what you said would be last I would ever hear from you. As i remember everything about you from that night . It was last time we would ever kiss. It was cold that night so I gave you my hoodie told u to keep warm and you smiled and said you will. As I sit here knowing the god has a perfect angel and knowing that you could be in better hands. But still think I had something to do with what happened that night. Maybe they were meant for me they should of be for me I was the Bastard who did everything wrong. I still don't know why but I miss you so much. Your sweet smell every morning as you walk past my window to knock on my door I alway look like I was sleeping but I was already awake just waiting for you to say my name. I still have the ring I gave you and still trying to keep that promise of becoming a better person. I have it with me always. You will always be mine and I know your resting in peace. Because you were always peaceful and so soft. I miss you so so much

Oct 27, 1998

Self confidence..

One thing I really hate is someone with no self confidence it drive me insane. Self confidence is built not given you have to feed and grow it in order to have some and what mean by feed it. Is that you have to push your self a little bit more every day and that's how you feed it. How you grow it is using it what is the point of having it if your always backing down from every thing. Get in ther and stand your ground it doesn't matter if its a small decision or a fight or just the fact you told the truth. It takes self confidence to change the world and to make it better and once you use it people will notice you in a hole new way and you will to. You won't be so scared, intimidated,worried about things it will be like a hole new day.

Now me on the other hand I think I have to much . I feed it so much now am not really scared of any thing or and body. Witch could be a bad thing as well .

Who am I

who am i any more? i don't even know any more it so hard to tell the difference any more am i the Ex gang banger or am i The good son or better yet the heartless asshole all i know is that the fog is getting really heavy and thick quick. I feel so lost any more like i am going in circles the only thing that is keeping me to the grounded is my dear friend. This women is amazing and smart she has so much on her plate and yet she can still deal with the day to day bullshit and still have enough time to listen to me. I kind look up to this woman as a super hero she might not be bullet proof but that one thing she will never have to be as long as i am her friend. So who am i ? i don't know that really but one thing i do know is i am loyal and funny and honest if you wont it that way. I am rare breed of friend were if i say i am going to do something you better dam well believe it that i am going to do it and better yet if i say you can call on me at any time. You better take that to the bank be cause i will be there at 3am if you need me. I am The Good Son were i have never brought anything to my family front door .That means i have never brought danger,trouble,worry or uncomfort to my family and know i have had that in my life all day every day. Next to God my family is the world to me No one and I mean NO will ever mess with my family. i know i am not perfect but when i walk thou my family door way my sheets are white i have a smile on my face and the day is sunny and that all my family ever needs to know!. And last but not least my Past the Ex Gang banger Who broke ever morale code family has ever taught to me. I am the man that has had to throw clothes way because they have had the purves nights work on them i am the man who has lost so many in the undeclared war including a lover. But one thing i do know is i miss it more then anything i miss the gladiator with in me. The man who did care about life or death. Some days i think it would be so good to go back to the old ways and then i stop and remember a promise that i made and i look around and know if i went back that i would lose everything including my hero.. so i guess this is my life now .

Have I past you yet..

As sit here thinking of what you may look like and what you sound like..one thing scares me more then anything is what if you do not like me .yes i sound good one paper but what if you see me and you change your mind about me and walk past me with out a second thought? I don't even know you and I feel a closeness to you maybe you are the one I am searching for .I just hope I am the one your searching for . I pray that I am . I pray that I can for fill every thing for you and all I wont in return is your love .

One day

As I wait to hold you in my arms I can only think of what you would look like and I can only imagine what you sound like as you breath as you lay next to me. I bet your hair smells like fall or spring does in the morning. And I bet your eyes are hypnotic in such a way I can lose time in them as I stair at them. I bet you have a smile that is amazing and something everyone once to see at least once before they die because it is so beautiful that it must be seen. I know you are a dream of peace and I know when I see you I get that wonderful filling between nerves and told bliss. That point when you get those wonderful gross bumps That only come once in life time . I want that every morning when I see you.